So, in
MSR,
ch 57 "Spontaneity and Confidence" Bella is tested, as she is tested in nearly
every chapter of MSR.
But this time, she puts her mind to it, resolving to win ... and fails. Again.
The problem here in this chapter is that Rosalie can't just be angry and shouting any more, but unfortunately, she can be so much worse than that. And Bella, FINALLY, is coming into her own, ... but that has consequences for her, and for Rosalie, too, ... and for their relationship.
Allow me to say: Rosalie's anger and shouting is not because she wishes to dominate Bella, and Rosalie being right, is not for her to score points on the big board on the sky ("I win, you lose, another point for me!"). Writing from Rosalie's perspective (first) (and then erasing it), Rosalie was internally dancing for joy when Bella stood up for herself, was shocked beyond belief and filled with pride that Bella used the word 'spontaneity' so ... well, spontaneously ... and was crushed when Bella lost every argument she could muster ... even as it was she, Rosalie, was the one to crush Bella.
Just because you fight, and fight hard, doesn't mean you're right, nor does it mean you win, and Rosalie doesn't give away points. You have to, that is: Bella has to earn every victory. To Rosalie: a false victory is more bitter than a real defeat, and it teaches nothing but sloth and more falsehood.
So, actually, Rosalie didn't ask Bella not to ask her question because Rosalie didn't want to answer it (she doesn't want to answer Bella's question, but Rosalie doesn't care about 'want,' she cares about what's her duty and what right), but because Rosalie knows the cost ... the terrible cost of answering that question, that Bella, in her innocence, has no idea what loaded gun she just picked up and looked into.
You pick up a weapon, you have to be ready to pull the trigger.
And Rosalie is under very, very tight control right now, but what will trip her over the line, and ... so what if she's under control?
But those are for the next few chapters to reveal, and much as I'm scared to death to put out this material. Who cares if somebody is very tightly controlled as they shatter you, or if they have lost it as they do this to you? Damage is damage.
And there's no justification for it.
Now, Rosalie touching Bella? Doting on her?
She's lost it. She's totally lost it, hasn't she? You saw that.
Tip of the iceberg, is all I can say.
But that's neither here nor there as Bella has gained something of herself back ... maybe even 'back' is too strong a word, because maybe she never had the measure of herself before, and now, finally, she's starting to see that ... just before all Rosalie Hale breaks loose. The real test for Bella, is that: no matter what happens to or around her, does she have the faith in herself, the confidence, and the hope to make it through this 'this,' no matter what it is, and no matter from where, or from whom, it comes.
Bella sucks at tests, by the way.
But just as Bella is tested, Rosalie is being tested, too. And she is on a mission, but how far is she willing to abide by her 'see it through, no matter what' perspective, if that 'no matter what' is Bella, her, herself. Is she willing to destroy Bella, completely, shatter her, and not swerve from her path because she thinks that's the best course, the one she chose? But if she does stoop, and does stop, to save Bella from her course of 'you're going to improve, even if it kills you' what are the consequences of revealing that, yes, she is not this strong, powerful god-like creature ... that she is weak. And vulnerable.
What will that cost Rosalie, ... to admit that she is fallible? Here ... and well, everywhere? Every time she wants something to go her way, it doesn't. And who, fundamentally, that is: according to Rosalie's view of how the world works, ... whose fault it that? And what is she going to do about that, when she realizes that everything she does, she fucks up. What is she going to do, when all she knows what to do is what she's ever done? And that's always worked SO well for her.
MSR is just a one-shot I thought up on Boxing Day, four years ago, and after I published the first ten chapters that night from midnight to dawn, it's been nothing but curveballs since.
And, that one-shot? It doesn't show up until Book II ... and I didn't even realize, in that flash I had 4 years ago, that it is BELLA who saves ROSALIE from the self-destruction Rosalie wrought. I didn't realize that until last week.
I guess that salvation is bleeding back into this Book and this chapter here.
The title of this chapter is "Spontaneity and Confidence." Bella thinks she has the former but not the latter, but then she finds herself, and her confidence here. Rosalie thinks she has the latter, but how will she deal with Bella, who is all spontaneity? Who is spontaneously growing up, right before her eyes?
