My Very First Story

My very first story was Bella and her friend Angela, and they were sealing wedding invitations for Angela's wedding, this, after Edward has just proposed to Bella, as well. Then Bella started crying, because she didn't know why Edward would want to marry her, so how can she keep him from running away again ('for her own good,' he said. ... Edward is an idiot)? And Angela's answer was to hug her friend as she cried.

"Bella's One Fear"

And I wrote that story, and I published it, and ... I got some good reviews on it. A one-pager.

And suddenly, I was no longer 'just a reader' ... I was a writer now, for real, too!

Wow! Just wow!

Albert Einstein said: "Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish on it's tree-climbing ability, that's what it is to you, and that's what it becomes."

That's me.

Now you. You have stories in your heart. Take your funny, yummy, happy stories, and run with them. Lock them away in your heart, and make them yours, yours, so that nobody can take them away from you.

Then.

Take your stories, all of them, one by one, and ... play with them, have fun, have tears, have adventures!

And one day, you will begin to touch hearts, and save lives.

"Why did you write My Sister Rosalie?"

Bella, and Rosalie, are trying the best they can to be true to themselves, even though, obviously in Rosalie's case, she has no idea she's being true to what's hurting her and Bella. And also Bella has no idea she is better than she thinks she is. But that's the beauty of this story.

This is a story about hope, even when you don't see it anymore. 

So.

I ... my daughter died. Rose Marie. And it hit the family so hard, even today, more than ten years later. Little Isabel said: "I miss Rose Marie." That hurt. A lot. And I wonder. Can she hope now? Who would she have been as a person? I wonder that. Would she have been happy, or sad, or selfish, or generous? I wonder if she's happy now, and I don't know that, and I'll never know that.

And so I wrote MSR. I don't know about Rose Marie, but maybe Rosalie can find hope, and maybe she can be happy, and maybe that can help, her, a little.

People are people so why should it be ...?

Rosalie and Lizzie. Lizzie and Rosalie.

The archetypical odd couple ... but aren't we all? And I mean 'we all' meaning every single one of us.

Both girls can, and do, so easily hurt each other, and what's worse is that they both want what's the best for the other, and they both see that they are the worst, themselves, and the worse for each other.

Ick. Icky, icky, ick!

The saving grace? Besides nothing, is they are both so pig-headed, and they keep demanding of each other that they don't give up on themselves, and they're stuck all alone in a cabin in the woods, so they have to make things work, because there aren't many other options ... you just can't glower across the room at each other can think mean thoughts. I mean, you can, but that gets silly after about five minutes, and that leaves 23 hours and 55 more minutes to get over it and do something less stupid.

Actually, all of human relations would be a whole lot better, I think, if more people started to realize this. "Hey, I can either be pissed at this (pissy) person, or I can try to make this work instead of glowering or avoiding!"

Hey! Imagine that!

Sometimes I'm okay at doing that, sometimes ... not so much.

My hat's off to both girls, both Lizzie and Rosalie. They are doing everything wrong, and all the time, at that, but Rosalie is a well of (impatient and angry) patience ... each hour she doesn't just outright kill Lizzie is a (not-so-small) victory, it seems, and Lizzie is ... well, if I were in her shoes, I don't think I'd've lasted half a day, but she keeps trying, and failing, and getting beat down for failing (?!?) and keeps trying to pick herself up so she can at least try to fail again. And she does this even though she knows she's in for heaps of trouble, but she just keeps trying.

Would I do that, in her shoes? Would anybody? Day after day, hour after hour with super-angry Rosalie who has some Serious Issues that she's wearing right on her sleeve?

They just keep going at each other and for each other, and when they go with each other ... now, that will be a sight to behold, and perhaps, when they do do that, it won't be major, nor surprising, nor Earth-shattering, ... maybe they'll just do it, and not even realize it, and maybe they will, and maybe they'll be amazed, and maybe they'll be just fine with it, and that's all.

They have worked so, so hard, fighting each other, every step of the way, so maybe when they push together, instead of push against each other, maybe they'll just say 'Oh, so that's how easy it is!'

Maybe. I guess we'll just have to ride with them, on their journey, and see for ourselves ... discover what 'this' will be, right along with them as they discover it, too.

If they don't screw it up first.

Ick.

Amazing (Saving) Grace

So, that happened.

It wouldn't've had to have happened if we were dealing with two young women, two mature adults, resolving their conflicts with quiet grace and dignity.

Isn't that so?

Well, Rosalie isn't a mature adult. She's a poser, TRYing to appear mature and above it all, but she's really operating from hurt and doesn't have a clue how to interact with another being in a reasonable way at all.

And Lizzie, being herself, just going along with everything until she can't stand it any more and then goes too far is not helping the situation.

So there it is.
So now that the two have explained themselves to each other, the world can go on turning because now everything with be rainbows and unicorns and peace, love and ice cream?

Mmm! Ice cream.

The thing is: MSR actually is a reflection on growth, and the two characters here are very good at holding onto what they believe they should be or what they think they are, as opposed to growing up, actually, and facing new situations maturely.

Maybe they will get to that point, but it appears both of them have a lot of growing to do ...

... and there is that whole big white elephant of UST that neither of them are dealing with at all right now, and neither in a mature manner, either, right?

Chapter 73 came because ch 71, where Lizzie was being a strong, brave independent woman lashed out and said what she said. Ch 77 exists because leaving ch 73 lie? what could come out of that other than nothing: Lizzie would be a sub slave and Rosalie would dom boss her around for the rest of the very short story that would devolve into boring tropes already done to death in way too many stories on ffn.

But Lizzie is Lizzie, and she has her own unshakeable core, even if she thinks, 'Whatever! just tell me what to do and I'll do it, I don't want to think for myself, it hurts too much and now I'll cry' and Rosalie is Rosalie and she is actually a royal class-A 'b' ...

Do you see that Rosalie and Edward are exactly alike?

They aren't because Edward NEVER accepted Bella's faults, but Rosalie, in this chapter, does: 'you do have your faults,' Rosalie said to Lizzie, and she smiles at her own statement, realizing this.

Rosalie puts Lizzie on a pedestal, yes, but she knows this, a little bit. Unlike Edward who forced Bella there and refused to listen to her, EVER. Rosalie listens. Once in a while, but she does.

I think, maybe, it's because Rosalie's a girl, she can at least sympathize with Lizzie a little tiny bit, even though they be total opposites, at least Rosalie can hear a girl, as a girl, speak, and give her that room to be a girl, and have her self-doubts (even though Rosalie claims she has none), and talk and talk and talk a thing through, so she can at least try to put her hands around a thing.

Rosalie is Rosalie, but maybe, being a girl and being with a girl, she can give Lizzie the room, the space to be herself, even if that's not what Rosalie wants her to be.

Maybe that's their saving grace? I don't know. I hope so.

A Scar

This chapter came right from my heart. From the mommies talking at the grocery store to Rosalie holding Lizzie in her hands, trying to comfort her, trying to tell her that she knew, and that it was okay.

We never made it to 'okay.'

Lizzie wasn't the only one who grew up this way, and at a time when families breaking up were new in America, so the parents had to stay together until the kids left the home for college to avoid stigmatizing their children, so the children felt that separation, that breaking, ...

and you couldn't do anything about it.

And then they didn't wait, and so my kid sister ...

So she had to be strong, and the funny thing is that she's the most complete, most no-nonsense person in our fractured family, but she didn't have a happy childhood, at all. Ever.

And, well, me.

I identify with Lizzie here, too.

But I didn't have a Rosalie to tell me any of this, not until today, or when I wrote the second half of this chapter. And I didn't have a Rosalie to hold me and to understand.

So, I just broke, all by myself, right in my third week of flight school.

I so wanted to fly, well, anything in the Coast Guard, and I was there already. I was flying planes.

And then my career was over. Right then. Right that day. All they had to do was have the paperwork catch up with me, which took about two years, it being the military.

So I had to go do something else.

And here I am, 25 years later, doing something else.

Something else is nice.

But it's something else, and if I were flying jets or helicopters, rescuing people out of the Arctic Ocean, would I've been happy? I've saved over 150 people's lives north of Alaska and then rescued at least three teens crossing the border to and from Mexico.

Am I happy because of that?

Lizzie was scarred, and she didn't even realize it until Rosalie pointed it out.

The thing about being scarred? You did the dishes before, you'll do the dish afterward.

Now you know you have a scar there, somewhere there, while you're doing the dishes.

And you can pick at it, scratch at it, or you can pretend it's not there. Nobody else sees it, nobody else cares, so, actually, it must not be there, right? It all happened in the past. And the 'it' was nothing, it was just your parents raising you, as the best they could, and look! you turned out well! Success!

It was nothing, and nobody else sees and nobody else cares, not really. Life goes on, and so must you, mustn't you?

So you can pretend it isn't there, right? It's healed and you're fine. Scar tissue heals, right?

Actually, it doesn't. A scar is a scar, and it either stays or it leaves its mark on you. That little knock you got running into the table's corner when you were a baby? It's still there, ten, twenty, fifty years later. Nobody else 'sees' it, but you still see the bump, and you still rub it, sometimes, remembering.

So, not knowing it's there, pretending it's not there. The road to happiness? Ignorance is bliss, right?

Except that it is there, and it affects everything you say, and everything you do.

So, acknowledging it? "I have a scar. I had this happen when I was a kid. It happened then. But I still remember it. I still feel it, if I think about it, and when I don't think about it, ... I still feel it. I still hunch my shoulders that way. I still look down, or look away, or blush, or cry, and I didn't know why. But now I do know why."

Is that worse, acknowledging it?

It feels worse, so it must be worse. So let's pretend that I don't know it's there, and see if I can get by with that.

Yup. I can get by.

Look at me, Mommy, I'm getting by! I'm all grown up now. Aren't you proud?

Yes, this was a really, really easy chapter for me to write.

All I had to do was to be just a little tiny bit honest with myself.

MSR, ch 69 FBs "Friends with Benefits"

Okay, what happened in this chapter that was supposed to be light and fluffy?

Lizzie said, "I'm not a girl," and whammo! Rosalie had a choice, but either option was a bad one: she could say: 'no, actually, you are a girl" and they'd get into a fight. Or she could say: "You're right, you're not a girl ... when have you ever smiled? or played? or had fun?" leaving Lizzie, drained already, an emotional wreck, nowhere to go but nowhere. 

That's what happened.

Bummer.

Bummer chapter in a bummer story.

Remember my author's end note, oh, ten chapters ago, that it was going to get worse before it got better?

The thing is this was supposed to be a fluffy chapter with Lizzie playing 'ring around the Rosies' and Rosalie smirking at Lizzie's manic behavior, as she ran around Rosalie, throwing buds into the air, warning her not to crash (emotionally, that is).

But Lizzie had to open up her mouth, and out came the words.

But why? Well, of course, 'girl' is a trigger word for her, as she's always questioned her maturity, and more generally, her place in this word. Rootless and friendless (ibid), Lizzie is perfectly set up to fight any and everything, and perfectly set up to trip and fall over every trap laid out in her path.

And to Lizzie, everything is a trap to her. So she can retreat, and get into trouble, or she can fight, and get into trouble.

It happens. Somebody withdraws from the crowd, because they're feeling picked on, so they get picked on because they're the loner so they lash out and get into heaps of trouble.

So, as her friend, as her sister, what do you do? What do you say?

"Whatever"?

"Yeah, you're right, you're not a girl; sorry." When you're not sorry, and you see her lashing out from her hurt?

This chapter should've really been named "Chapter 69: FB -- friends with benefits." Because, truly, Rosalie is a beneficial friend, as opposed to a superficial friend.

Look what she tried to do: she give Lizzie a light, playful wake-up call: "Lizzie, you're saying words that aren't right."

Lizzy ignores this, gets defensive and angry, and over what?

Over the fact that she wants to pretend that she's not a little girl, and that she wants everybody else to pretend that, too. Because the world of pretense is nice and safe. And pointless. But don't think about that. Nobody else does.

That's how things work. And by 'work,' I mean, of course: 'don't work.' Everybody pretends that everybody and everything's hunky-dory when actually people are alone, isolated, and hurting. But 'I'm fine' 'I'm mature' 'I'm competent' 'I'm doing my job' so if we just ignore the hurt in their eyes and in their posture, we'll all just get along until they pull out an automatic weapon and start murdering school children or throw themselves in front of a moving train, being the seventh one to do that this month.

Rosalie doesn't play the 'I'm okay; you're okay' game we all play, as much as Lizzie wants and expects her to, even though she should and does know better by now.

If Lizzie truly is okay, then Rosalie's okay with that, ... happy even.

But if Lizzie's not okay, and says that she is, and wants everybody else to be okay with that, then ...?

Then Rosalie can say 'okay, whatever,' like everybody else does, confirming in Lizzie's mind that she's all alone in this world, and nobody understands her, nor cares.

Or she can grab Lizzie by the collar and shout into her face until Lizzie gets that she can't fuck with Rosalie's mind like she fucks with everybody else's.

Or she can do what she did in this chapter.

One day. One day Lizzie will be happy, and just be happy to be happy, ...

That's what Rosalie is praying for. That's Rosalie's hope, you see.

Because you know how Rosalie knows Lizzie was never a little girl?

Because Rosalie was never a little girl.

Rosalie wants to see Lizzie laugh and dance and play and frolic, because ...

Rosalie never did that.

If Lizzie can do that, if she can drop all the weight of growing up too fast, but never matured into a woman, self-possessed and self-actualized, that is: she knows who she is and she's fine with that ('fine' being actually fine and not 'I'll pretend I'm fine to get by'), ...

Then will Rosalie be able to do that?

That's too much to ask for Rosalie now. But Rosalie will have seen that done for somebody she loves with her empty, cold, black heart. She can't save herself, but if Lizzie is happy, just for one instant, ...

Then Rosalie will be happy. And will treasure that moment of happiness for the rest of her wretched, bleak, solitary, pointless eternity.

Like Rosalie told the girl: she's being selfish. She so wants Lizzie's happiness.

I wish there were more people selfish like this in the world.

Is MSR femslash?

I get this question occasionally from readers.

Is MSR femslash, or gfs? or bffs? or sisterhood?

Well, what is it?

That's what Rosalie would ask you as you read this story, wouldn't she?

That's the question you ask yourself when you look at a girl you're looking at, right? Is she The One? Is she even gay? or curious? will she like me? will I like her?

Do you know the answers to ANY of these questions before hand?

I don't think you do. Or, if you do, you're already judging her. If she has to be The One, then she can't be herself, and you've already doomed the relationship, because she can't be herself if she has to be The One for you, right?

If Lizzie HAS to be femslash with Rosalie, then all this wind-up is pointless, and they should've been in bed at chapter 2 if I was a slow writer and by the second paragraph in the first chapter if I wanted to get right to the goods, right? That's what femslash is, right? Skip the preliminaries and get right to it.

Well, that's what the usual fare of femslash is, but the really, really good pieces actually do let Bella and Rosalie get to know each other, get to cry a bit because college is hard and Bella's dad dies and Rosalie has commitment issues and a bit of a b-tch and maybe a little (too) slvtty because she's compensating for these wounds she carries in her heart that she has to be that way to receive love, even if it's fake or physical. And you learn to love these girls and when they do fall into each other's arms, it's because they love each other, not because it's femslash and that's what they're supposed to do ...

You know the story I'm talking about? Read: Mechanical Difficulties by HopelessRomantic79.

Now, my BxR story is a little different than that. Okay, it's WAY different than that, and different than most of what I've read on this site.

As you have seen.

But do you see where this is going?

Yeah, you do. Maybe. The thing is I have the whole story mapped out: all three books of it, but Lizzie and Rose are surprising me at every chapter. I had written three chapters ahead of this one (ch 66: Schadenfreude), and I had to throw all of that out, all 12k+ words because Rose just broke down and told Lizzie her name. She wasn't supposed to do that. And Lizzie wasn't supposed to take charge like this and start to arrange things. She wasn't suppose to do this until halfway into Book II.

But here they are, and they refuse to let the plot drive them, no: they are two people, two scared people wondering if this can work, and wondering what 'this' even is! One of them has no experience whatsoever in love, never had a bf, never been kissed, and dropped out of school because people are just too weird for her, so she'd rather live at home with her Pa, who is quiet and safe and predictable. The other girl was raped and murdered by five men, so her whole view of love is twisted and filled with hate: totally unromantic. She's given up on love, seeing it as a power-thing, useless to her, and she's given up on herself, seeing herself as hateful and broken: unfixable, unloveable.

Put those two together and what do you get? femslash? friendship? sisterhood?

Well, what you've gotten so far is 66 chapters of MSR with a lot of anger on Rosalie's part and a lot of tears on Lizzie's part. Both of them have a long way to go before they can ... what?

Well, they've started to heal, just a little tiny bit, they've started to hug some, they've started to open up, just a bit to each other, and ...

And, well ... it's a start. A real start. There's false starts because you try something, and whoops! that didn't work, but instead of being cool about it, Lizzie breaks down in tears and Rosalie gets furious, so there's plenty of backsliding.

But are they trying? And what are they trying for?

Rosalie was right: Lizzie is a little chicken-sh-t, and she has no idea what she wants.

But Rosalie? All you have to do is read my side story: Rose by a Lemon Tree to know that any criticism she has of Lizzie is nothing to the problems she's saddled herself with.

Rosalie knows what she wants. Just ask her. Or, actually, she says she knows what she wants, and is very sure and confident in saying exactly what she wants and how she wants it all to work out.

The thing about Rosalie is that what she says she wants, and what she really wants, may be two different things, but her own pride so blinds her to that difference that she doesn't even know nor acknowledge that there exists a difference at all. So she says she wants to keep her distance, that she would rather have Lizzie hate her than draw any closer to her, for, after all: she's a monster, twisted and evil and incapable of love.

She knows this: just ask her.

But then she gives Lizzie her name, and says she never had a sister ... that is, she never had a girl close to her. She never gave anyone else her heart. Not really. Not to Royce. She planned her future with Royce, with their perfect wedding and their perfect family with their perfectly well-behaved children, but she never gave Royce her real heart, her true love, and maybe Royce sensed this, her aloofness, her haughtiness, and maybe he felt threatened by that: his manhood was called into question, because no matter how much of a man he was(not), he was never able fully to possess 'his' Rose, never fully able to own her nor to make her scared of him and grovel like everybody else did, all this employees and sycophant friends.

Who has had Rosalie heart? Not even Vera, her friend. Because Rosalie could feel superior to her. Vera married low and moved on and left Rosalie behind, because Vera followed her heart.

And Rosalie never did.

Rosalie never gave her heart away, and Lizzie was never given the chance to.

So, can Lizzie muster up the courage to say 'I love you, Rosalie Hale'? because for sure Rosalie's not going to say that. Ever. That is: first. Rosalie can't give her heart away now. It's far too painful.

It really, really doesn't look good, does it?

But Lizzie has grown, and Rosalie, even though she won't admit it, has, too.

So, maybe ... maybe.

And that's my answer. It's not definitive, but does live give you a priori definitive answers? If it does, is that living life, or going through the motions in a limited little box of a maze and calling that life? Life is lived in the questions, isn't it? and finding your own answers to the questions you dare to ask. If someone else spoonfeeds you answers, then do those answers have any meaning? or any worth or value? That is, being given to you instead of earned.

You can be handed a person and told: you're sleeping with her tonight. And many, many girls in the world are told just that. But it's up to them to find in the person they choose the things to love, be in that person in their arms right now, or the one they go out, seek, and find. Or the one that comes to find them.

But you have to choose whom to love, and you have to choose why, right? And you have to make it work, every day.

Is MSR femslash? or friendship? or sisterhood?

Maybe.

That's up to Rosalie to let go of her pride and 'what's right' in her eyes, and up to Lizzie to let go of fear and embrace her hope.

Just as it is for you to give up your pride and fear and embrace your hope, and write your own story. That's what Lizzie and Rosalie are (tentatively) doing, and isn't it an exciting, hopeful, just so different read? And for them, living it, so, so scary, so new?

Is your life femslash, friends or sisters? Do you want to keep living the safe ho-hum life everybody else lives? Or throw your heart out there, get hurt, badly, and, maybe, just maybe, let her catch it and cradle your heart, and you, in her arms, as you cradle her?

geophf, writer of that really weird story MSR signing off; I have to get back to writing that next chapter.

MSR ch 57: confidence in spontaneity

So, in MSR, ch 57 "Spontaneity and Confidence" Bella is tested, as she is tested in nearly every chapter of MSR.

But this time, she puts her mind to it, resolving to win ... and fails. Again.

The problem here in this chapter is that Rosalie can't just be angry and shouting any more, but unfortunately, she can be so much worse than that. And Bella, FINALLY, is coming into her own, ... but that has consequences for her, and for Rosalie, too, ... and for their relationship.

Allow me to say: Rosalie's anger and shouting is not because she wishes to dominate Bella, and Rosalie being right, is not for her to score points on the big board on the sky ("I win, you lose, another point for me!"). Writing from Rosalie's perspective (first) (and then erasing it), Rosalie was internally dancing for joy when Bella stood up for herself, was shocked beyond belief and filled with pride that Bella used the word 'spontaneity' so ... well, spontaneously ... and was crushed when Bella lost every argument she could muster ... even as it was she, Rosalie, was the one to crush Bella.

Just because you fight, and fight hard, doesn't mean you're right, nor does it mean you win, and Rosalie doesn't give away points. You have to, that is: Bella has to earn every victory. To Rosalie: a false victory is more bitter than a real defeat, and it teaches nothing but sloth and more falsehood.

So, actually, Rosalie didn't ask Bella not to ask her question because Rosalie didn't want to answer it (she doesn't want to answer Bella's question, but Rosalie doesn't care about 'want,' she cares about what's her duty and what right), but because Rosalie knows the cost ... the terrible cost of answering that question, that Bella, in her innocence, has no idea what loaded gun she just picked up and looked into.

You pick up a weapon, you have to be ready to pull the trigger.

And Rosalie is under very, very tight control right now, but what will trip her over the line, and ... so what if she's under control?

But those are for the next few chapters to reveal, and much as I'm scared to death to put out this material. Who cares if somebody is very tightly controlled as they shatter you, or if they have lost it as they do this to you? Damage is damage.

And there's no justification for it.

Now, Rosalie touching Bella? Doting on her?

She's lost it. She's totally lost it, hasn't she? You saw that.

Tip of the iceberg, is all I can say.

But that's neither here nor there as Bella has gained something of herself back ... maybe even 'back' is too strong a word, because maybe she never had the measure of herself before, and now, finally, she's starting to see that ... just before all Rosalie Hale breaks loose. The real test for Bella, is that: no matter what happens to or around her, does she have the faith in herself, the confidence, and the hope to make it through this 'this,' no matter what it is, and no matter from where, or from whom, it comes.

Bella sucks at tests, by the way.

But just as Bella is tested, Rosalie is being tested, too. And she is on a mission, but how far is she willing to abide by her 'see it through, no matter what' perspective, if that 'no matter what' is Bella, her, herself. Is she willing to destroy Bella, completely, shatter her, and not swerve from her path because she thinks that's the best course, the one she chose? But if she does stoop, and does stop, to save Bella from her course of 'you're going to improve, even if it kills you' what are the consequences of revealing that, yes, she is not this strong, powerful god-like creature ... that she is weak. And vulnerable.

What will that cost Rosalie, ... to admit that she is fallible? Here ... and well, everywhere? Every time she wants something to go her way, it doesn't. And who, fundamentally, that is: according to Rosalie's view of how the world works, ... whose fault it that? And what is she going to do about that, when she realizes that everything she does, she fucks up. What is she going to do, when all she knows what to do is what she's ever done? And that's always worked SO well for her.

MSR is just a one-shot I thought up on Boxing Day, four years ago, and after I published the first ten chapters that night from midnight to dawn, it's been nothing but curveballs since.

And, that one-shot? It doesn't show up until Book II ... and I didn't even realize, in that flash I had 4 years ago, that it is BELLA who saves ROSALIE from the self-destruction Rosalie wrought. I didn't realize that until last week.

I guess that salvation is bleeding back into this Book and this chapter here.

The title of this chapter is "Spontaneity and Confidence." Bella thinks she has the former but not the latter, but then she finds herself, and her confidence here. Rosalie thinks she has the latter, but how will she deal with Bella, who is all spontaneity? Who is spontaneously growing up, right before her eyes? 

MSR ch 63: Show or Tell?

So, in chapter 63 ("Safe Side") of my story My Sister Rosalie (MSR) ...

Well, what the hell is going on in this chapter, anyway?

Rosalie has a (perennial) problem: Bella doesn't listen.

No, she just doesn't listen to what Rosalie is saying at all. Here's what Bella does: Rosalie says something, then Bella takes what Rosalie said, and says to herself, "How can I make what she said make me feel bad?"

This is classic Bella behavior, and you see it even, and particularly, here in this chapter.

So, Rosalie has talked and talked and talked for the last forty chapters, and Bella has taken everything Rosalie's said and pretty much beat herself up with every word.

Rosalie, of course, sees this, so what can she do?

Well, she tried direct experience by talking and acting out a little bit of a baseball game, but that so tremendously backfired that now Rosalie has a new rule for herself (that rule will be coming up in a chapter or few) regarding her now equal but still very captive ... well, what is Bella to Rosalie, anyway? Besides a 'hot bod' that gives her tingly sensations all over? Oh, mama!

And Bella's little shriek and blush-turn-away so did not affect Rosalie. At all. Mmhm.

But I digress.

So Rosalie can't tell Bella about things, because Bella just turns whatever Rosalie says into the self-blame game, and she can't demonstrate on Bella directly, because Bella then goes into a panic attack.

So Rosalie shows on herself.

Okay, but what is Rosalie showing? If she were just going for answering Bella's question exactly, it would be very simple: A-B-C, 1-2-3, and you're done, have a nice day.

Rosalie isn't answering Bella's question at all ... or, if she is, it's just an incidental part of what she's aiming for.

What is Rosalie aiming for?

Bella's happiness (as hard as it is to see here in this chapter).

That's what Rosalie is always aiming for.

'Why?' you ask.

My answer: 'shut up.'

The thing about happiness is this: if you're living a lie or in a lie, you really can't be happy, because you're deluding yourself and taking actions in and for that lie that just contribute to that, not to reality, and so not toward your own happiness. For example, you ask for directions to the gas station, and the person on the country road lies to you, you're going the wrong way, blithely unaware of it, until reality hits hard, and now you have an incredibly long walk before you even get to a telephone. If you had been told the truth, you would've gotten your gas and been on your merry way.

See?

Bella is living a lie. According to Rosalie: everyone is living a lie.

Rosalie's seen the lie, she's seen it in how Bella behaves around Edward and how Bella's behaved around herself. She's seen it in her tryst with Edward, in her courtship with Royce, and in her parents, both the living ones and in Carlisle and Esme.

Rosalie wants to give Bella the whole deal. Not just the: 'Okay, kid, here's how you blow off steam so you can go through your day, being a part of the system that grinds you and everybody down,' but the: 'here is the system. Here is what it's telling you what you are.'

So, what's the system?

Oh, just look around you.

Okay, so that'll be the lie (with Rosalie's eventual explanation coming up).

What is Rosalie doing right here, right now?

Well, she's reenacting. What's she's reenacting is up to you. Here's a couple of possible scenarios.

1. Edward and Rosalie are lovers, as Carlisle and Esme so hoped. Happily ever after (kinda). Yay!
2. Rosalie's life is saved. Royce is out of the picture, and Edward comes to check up on Rosalie and restore some of her confidence that was shattered by Royce and his companions that she is desirable and that sex can be good and so holy fuck fun. But be with her, as in, 'Rosalie, you're shallow and cruel and heartless, I see that all in your mind [remember, Edward sees what he wants to in your thoughts, he could care less about what your vanity tells you that you're actually a nice person, because to him, you're not; ... nobody is] [except Carlisle and Esme], will you marry me because my pity fuck means I love you? ... not! Oh, and don't hold your breath standing by the telephone, because I'm so not calling you tomorrow.'

This chapter was very hard to publish, because it's just that. Just Edward fucking Rosalie, and Bella suffering through her fantasy of 'what it all means' which she gets so incredibly wrong that Rosalie is out-of-her-mind furious seeing Bella fall apart instead seeing the lie in every single moment of their trysting.

So this chapter was very damaging, and so now the damage control has to follow.

Ever notice that you have to apply a lot more effort into fixing something that's broken, instead of what you could've done, that is: make sure the thing didn't break in the first place.

Rosalie shows Bella through direct experience, because talking about 'hey, this is how you masturbate,' will only leave Bella embarrassed and confused, and since Bella is that way already, a talk would only make matters worse.  So Rosalie goes for show, not tell, to teach Bella about the ways of the world and its lies.

Rosalie? teach Bella about happiness? And broken, raped Rosalie teaching Bella about sexuality?

Rosalie may not be the best teacher in the world.

Just sayin'

Anonymous Reviews

Okay, confession time.

I really, really hate anonymous reviews.

And no, it's not because they are banal, those anonymous reviews I can deal with, but I rarely get banal reviews, as my story My Sister Rosalie (MSR) seems to demand from reviewers that somehow they have to step up their game if they want to dare to leave a review, even anonymously.

That's probably why I'm not 1K+ reviews by now. People are scared to review my story, even anonymously, so I applaud every person who does leave a review. It shows they have moxie and guts.

My kind of person. The kind of person I like to hang with. The kind of person I wish I were at times when I know I'm no such.

No, the primary reason I hate anonymous reviews, is that they ask questions, or implore in a request, or in some other way reach out to me.

And when a person reaches out to me, am I like other fanfiction author(ess)es (primarly), and simply say to myself, 'Huh, that's nice,' and leave that as that?

No, I've responded to every review, every PM, every 'favorite' marking, every 'following' marking. And surprised quite a few people. "geophf, why do you answer me when I've never received an answer from anybody else here?"

Oh, just because you've grown used to slights and rejection, you see that now as the norm? and you now expect that I'll be a callous bastard, too?

Oh, and I can be quite the callous bastard with jerks, vicious, even, just ask around. You give me or my characters any shit, and I'll give it back to you, doubled, and in spades.

But with an anonymous review, I don't get shit. Quite the opposite: I get insights and entreaties ... and. I. can't. answer. them!

So an anonymous reviewer said, 'please, please, please let Bella and Rosalie reconcile; it'd be a perfect birthday present for me!' and I do do that, but in two chapters, not instantly in one, so her next review for the interim chapter is 'WTF! I quit this shit fic!' and the very next chapter, if she had waited, would've given her the reconciliation she wanted, and then, even much more than that, and if she had had a ffn account, I could have explained that this would be coming in two chapters, and please be patient.

So now I've lost a reader, because she implores me to do something, and I do, but not in an instant coffee kind of 'and they magically lived happily ever after, because stupid fanfics provide instant gratification like that' way, but in a 'this is MSR, and you, and the characters have to earn every step forward that they dare to take, and sometimes these steps are hard, and sometimes people stumble, taking them,' slow brewed coffee kind of way.

That's MSR for ya, not all sugary lightness caramel macchiato coffee drink that costs you seven bucks and gives you stomach cancer and brain rot and kidney failure, but a strong triple espresso, that only the strong can drink, and then, in tiny sips, savoring the coffee, even in its bitterness.

Huh. Don't you put a slice of lime in espresso ... or lemon?

Hm.

Or I get another kind of anonymous review that said ffn is all bad fics (yes), a few barely tolerable mediocre fics (yes), a handful of good ones (yes), a couple of greats (and more than a couple), and then there's MSR, that transcends greatness.

Okay. A couple of things. This reviewer felt shy leaving this review because they felt they were too unsophisticated to leave it?

How can I respond to this person and say that I'm not looking for sophistication; I'm looking for honesty, and heartfelt-ness helps, too.

And why do I have to have other people tell me how great, or how not, my writing is? Why do I need these reviews to determine what my self-worth is, to help to look forward, or to dread, writing that next chapter? After three years of silence, one of my readers, a self-proclaimed 'greatest fan,' wrote me a furious PM and asked what the fvck my problem was, and she said she wasn't calling me a liar, but three years, and no update for Book I, and a Book I title implies a Book II so where are the goods, asshat?

Why did it take the devotion of a fan for me to pick up my pen again, after three years of silence, when this story is in me, has been in me, complete from day one, and I knew it was good, and I knew it could touch people's hearts, but did I write? No. Why? Because I'm a little chicken sh-t, and at the end of chapter 55 ("Beautiful") I knew exactly where the story headed, and I couldn't afford the thought of publishing something that scares me, 'cause it gets dark for a whole book length before anything hopeful comes out of it.

But there was Rosalie, and there was Bella, and they decided to move forward with their own development, even without my consent. But they needed me to write and to write and to write for them to tell me, 'no, we're going our way, not your way, Mr. Control Freak.'

But I wouldn't write, not for three years, because I'm a scared little chicken-sh-t Bella.

But Bella is a scared little chicken-sh-t, dumb as a doornail about the world and its ways, but she tries, and cries, and tries again, and gives up, then finds the strength to move forward, even a tiny little step forward, which she immediately takes back, and falls back even further, because her self-worth is such that she doesn't believe that she deserves her advance toward her own happiness.

And the hilarious thing is, her happiness is in the happiness of others, and she takes it away from herself because she thinks she doesn't deserve it, and in doing that, she takes it away from everybody else in her life.

There's a lesson in there for me, I'm sure. And there's a lesson in there for you, too, if you're willing to take it on, and that is: step forward. Put yourself out there, and take that tiny little risk of reaching out, and letting others reach back to you. It'll hurt, a lot, when you get back not a cloak or a loaf of bread, but a spitting snake, but for every snake in the grass, there are one hundred people's lives better because you reached out, and they and their hearts are thanking you. And out of those one hundred, there are one, or two, or five people who dare to reach back, who dare to thank you. 'Tak' 'Danke' 'Merci' sometimes in languages you don't even know existed, but they are thanking you for reaching out and for letting them reach back to you.

You reach out to me in your review or your PM or your follow, but if you leave an anonymous review, I cannot reach back to you to thank you or to reassure you or to commiserate with you. And I am sadder for it. It makes it harder for me 'update soon' with a next chapter, that is hard enough to write in and of itself, when I'm sad that I've lost a reader because I can't reach back to her to tell her, 'not this chapter, but the next chapter, please be patient' or I can't thank a reader from changing my fic, in my mind, to a good BellaRose fic, to something that's transcendent for them, so doesn't that make my story intrinsically transcendent? And I walk around, all day, with this epiphany, and I can't thank you enough, nor even at all, because I can't reach back to do that.

Okay, back to writing. Good night, my sweet princes and princesses.

MSR ch 60: a question of rape

In this chapter, Rosalie was in a pickle. Doing what she 'had' to do, and getting caught in the middle of that and destroying a human person that she's trying to save: Bella.

By raping her?

And Bella, finally, calls this out.

Yes, Bella pulled the r-card, but the parallel was so right there for her: Royce raped Rosalie, and now Rosalie is doing the exact same thing to Bella under nearly the exact same conditions. That's what she saw Rosalie was doing.

And, in fact, Rosalie was doing exactly that. Bella said 'please,' 'no' and 'stop' over and over again, and Rosalie just kept going, ignoring Bella's pleas to stop, just to prove a point.

The next question is ... well, the next chapter, there's that question: 'Why?' and then how does Rosalie answer Bella's question if not through direct experience (as that worked SO well, didn't it) and how does Bella recover, ... or is she recovering already?

I struggle with this. A girl is nearly r-aped, so ... how can she stand to be in the same room with the person, the monster, who that morning lost control and wouldn't listen to her?

Ick. Here we go.

The thing is, this is an issue of fiction, but this is an issue that so confronts us today. You're a teenager, and you're trying to find yourself and your place in the world ... fit in? stand out? And the sexual identity is so tied up with all of that, because who are you sexually?

When you're asking questions, you open yourself up, and in opening yourself up, you play games with it, flirting, discovering, having fun, trying to fit in, or trying to stand apart. And you also open yourself up to the possibility heart break and to getting hurt.

Bella isn't, in this story now, ready to face the questions of her sexually identity, and isn't ready to have them thrust on her right this very moment and given the choice right now, whether she wants to not.

But how many of us had to face the same choices, and give in quietly and not make a scene so you can be cool and fit in, even as your very being pays a price for that? Or to scream and to fight with all your might ... and still have to pay a price for that?

And how do we recover from a scar that nobody can see, but you see in everybody's eyes when they look at you? Rosalie asks herself that question: how do I go on? How do I get a new boyfriend, when he already knows I've been raped?

Bella now has do her own recovery, and do it sharing a one room cabin with the very monster that this morning forced herself on her.

How does she do that?

How do we?

---

An answer: understanding and forgiveness

One of my readers has already answered the above question in her own way. If Bella understands Rosalie in what she was trying, and failed, to do, then, that doesn't make it acceptable, ok, or cancel what Rosalie actually did but it can pave the path to forgiveness. Other thoughts about this chapter (after you've read it, of course)?

Beautiful? Yes: Beautiful

I got it. I finally got it.

It's a little thing. It's a no-thing. But, as for all epi-phanies ('epi': upon, sudden), it's a big thing.

And the thing, this obvious thing, is this.

Bella has always seen herself as inadequate, but how so? In taking care of Charlie? No. In school? Yes, a bit (or more than a bit, depending on her confidence). But as compared to, primarily any of the those magical, mystical Cullens (and Hales)?

Yes. Big time.

Why?

Because she sees herself as nothing to look at, that is, as just the girl next door. Okay, I suppose, but just that, so she's floored at the attention from everybody in school, and simply lost at the attention paid upon her by a certain vampire that is, initially, just as confused why.

But then this vampire sees Bella's inner beauty: Bella sees the good in people, and sticks up for them, sees the good in them that they refuse to see, even the good in them if they are a vampire, or a werewolf or a jealous, duplicitous rival at school, or nearly anyone, and Bella will go to bat for them, too, even if they don't want her, too.

Bella is beautiful on the inside.

But than beauty can't help but shine forth to her outside. She is the 'girl next door' but, wait, isn't the girl next door beautiful?

I argue yes. Do you see a girl when she can't hold in that smile because she's so happy? Isn't she beautiful? No matter her hair color or eye color or her height or anything! She's just bursting with beauty, because she's just so beyond worrying about her looks, so you don't see a worrier, you see a girl, a happy, beautiful girl.

But when Bella looks in the mirror, the worry returns, and she starts to measure, and, in her own eyes, right or wrong, she just doesn't measure up.

Now let's take the opposite case. Rosalie Lillian Hale.

Tall, statuesque, Blond, ice-blue eyes, strikingly, breathtakingly beautiful ... "the most beautiful woman [no, person] in the world." (Eclipse, ch 7)

... on the outside.

But on the inside, and, as she believes, visible for all to see, she's a hurting, angry, bitter woman. Raped and left to die by her fiancé and then turned without her will nor permission to be a creature of pure evil. Hateful. Spiteful. Damaged goods. Irredeemable.

How bad does she see herself? Canonically? Well, there's plenty of examples, but here's one that hasn't explored before.

Rosalie found, and rescued, Emmett when she was hunting alone. (Eclipse, ch 7)

Now, why was she hunting alone? Has anybody every thought of the why of that? No, but I have been, recently, and here's one of the things I've come up with.

She sees what she does, what she is now, something so disgusting, so reprehensible, that she won't even allow other vampires see her hunt.

Other vampires hunt together. Case in point, Edward and Emmett were hunting together, and Edward watched Emmett 'play with his food' (dismember a bear) as they discussed the 'Bella Issue' (Midnight Sun, ch 7 "Melody"). There was no embarrassment, no delicate looking away as they hunted. And case in point, Bella and Edward hunted together for more than a couple of kills when she was a newborn (Breaking Dawn, Book III). That went easily and naturally and 'graceful'ly for both participants.

Rosalie hunts alone. Why? She can't stand to let anyone else see who she really is when she drops that ironclad self-control, because when she opens up by just that hairline crack, she's afraid others will see that real her within that stunningly beautiful shell. Because she knows what they'll see of tainted her.

Rosalie is so beautiful on the outside, but when she stares into those eyes of hers looking back at her from that mirror, mirror on her vanity, she knows what she sees, and it's black, but it's not beautiful.

So there's Rosalie, beauty queen with the twisted soul.

And so there's Bella, the plain brown girl next door, with the big heart.

And my epiphany was this.

In msr, chapter 55 ("Beautiful"), Rosalie works, and has been working so hard, to show Bella that she is indeed a beautiful person on the outside.

In msr, chapter 14 ("No Talking to Vampires!") and on, Bella has been daring, as hard as she can, to show Rosalie that she is a kind being, a person who can hope, because she is worthy of daring to hope.

Both girls see the beauty of the other where each does not see the possibility of beauty being there, and each girl has made it her mission to convince the other that she is beautiful, through and through.

And, msr can be views as the roman à clef that has been carrying that torch for more than a year now, but, ironically, it was not msr that gave me this insight, it was me, taking a break from writing, and reading the work of other authoresses, and seeing that Bella hesitancy in her stuttering speech, but her utter determination to reach past Rosalie's absolutely cold distance, and seeing that Rosalie hesitancy reaching out to Bella for someone, anyone, to talk to her as a person, not as an object to be adored or a sibling to fight, but just as a person, a being, possibly even capable of being loved, but her absolute demand that Bella never be other than the best of her best, no matter how coldly, cruelly and abruptly Rosalie expresses that demand...

Seeing that, I sat up, and said: "Eureka!"

Bella is beautiful, through and through.

Rosalie is beautiful, through and through.

Even though neither sees that as a possibility.

You know what? You are beautiful, too: even though you don't see that as a possibility. The next time somebody catches you with your guard down when you're so happy that you cannot hide your smile, and they say, "Hey, you have a beautiful smile."

The next time that happens. Know what that person just told you.

You are beautiful.

Because it's true.

Bella can be beautiful, even standing next to that goddess Rosalie Lillian Hale.

Rosalie can be beautiful, even standing next to that selfless great soul Bella.

You can be beautiful, just like Bella, just like Rosalie, but most importantly, just like yourself.

Because you are.

Do you know what epiphany really means? It's God revealing Himself to us. Epi-phany: "Suddenly Revealed" How? By us seeing Him, face to face. So the modern philosophical interpretation, and how I try to live my life, is to see God in the face of the person in front of you, for after all, we are created in the image and likeness of God [Gen 1:27], so His Face shines forth, through yours.

This may do nothing for you, but it does everything for me, because, for me, it means that I try, all the time, to see the real you when I'm talking with you and listening to you, and for me, when I'm doing this, it's easy to see you and the beauty of you.

My epiphany. Bella is beautiful; Rosalie is beautiful, and each tries to convince the other of that fact.

You are beautiful. Convince yourself of that fact. And maybe there's somebody who needs to hear that they are beautiful, and maybe you are the person to tell them this. And, sometimes, guess what? When you tell them this, and they really get it, don't they become even more beautiful? And doesn't that do you a world of good, knowing you helped that one person to see their own beauty that you've seen hidden and revealed here and there?

You have that beauty, too.

Just like Bella, through and through. Just like Rosalie, through and through.

Just like you, through and through.

"Now is all we have."

Rosalie told Bella this in chapter 35 ("With the Depression On") of MSR: "Now is all we have."

Why? Well, because Bella is mortal. She can die at any time, by Rosalie's hand (intentful or compelled) or otherwise.

In fact, the prior night, in chapter 22 ("Compulsion"), Bella almost did die.

So what happens next?

Well, in fact, three possibilities:

• Nothing happens because MSR didn't happen, it's an echo of a thought and concern for both Bella and Rosalie. The seriousness of it made light through their (not particularly friendly yet) banter, but the seriousness of it still there in their minds. This was told in Rose Read, ch 10 ("Fragile") by Jocelyn Torrent.


• Rosalie returns in time to save Bella, and that story continues to Rosalie's statement. This is the continuation of MSR in ch 23 ("Rosalie Needs a Guy Like Me") ... Bella's not a guy, by the way.


• Or ... Rosalie doesn't return in time. Bella dies. And Rosalie goes on. And on and on and on. This is told by Rosalie in my one-shot story "Reminiscence."

In each of these alternatives, Rosalie sees our girl’s end. What she does with what she sees is very different in each of the tellings. Very different, but, as she is Rosalie, very Rosalie.

But it's just fan-fiction, so there's no lesson to be learned here.

Is there?

Or.

Or ask Rosalie the question ... her captive was this close. This close. And she’s doing what because of this knowledge?

Good thing this is just fiction, eh? For we could never lose someone we love just like that ... for we could never be taken away from the ones we love just like that ...

Yeah. Good thing this is just fiction.

"Now is all we have," Rosalie tells Bella, justifying her verbal onslaught and determined rage.

"Now is all we have."

Am I treating the ones I love with dignity and respect and love? Will I be able to say that I was glad to have that last second with them or that I regret the last second and how I treated them?

Because this second could be the last one. Because this second is the last one, for somebody, for at least 3,000 somebodies, at least and in fact.

I hope not find myself living Rosalie's "Reminiscence." I hope that.

... Not that, ahem, I’m stating a position here about any feelings any character may or may not have for any other character in this story ...

Bella: Pride and Prejudice

"Boy, geophf," you say, "reading the latest, that Bella surely is ... well, frankly, stupid!"

I would beg to differ with your assessment (translation from Austen-speak: "Um, no").

"But," you insist: "How could she guess so wrongly as to why Rosalie would be wanting to teach her sign language?"

Okay, so, here's the thing. Reflect on her prior thoughts when she considered the presence of the American Sign Language book ... what was she thinking then?

Her thoughts precursored her thoughts now: "Rosalie is/will teach me this so she won't have to speak to me again."

That was her prejudice, or, as we say now: her preconceived notion.

Now, try this. Have somebody pick at you until you are thoroughly ticked off about it and about them. Become furious.

Bella's pride was offended, because Rosalie was criticizing her with compliments.

Now try to think straight.

You cannot, right? Because you're angry. It's called "a loss of perspective."

Bella's prejudice lead her to believe a certain thing ... she is very intuitive, after all, and what does that mean? It means she jumps to conclusions. And her pride was offended, that means she's very likely to stick by her guns, right or wrong, come Hell or high water.

Sounds a lot like Elizabeth Bennett as Mr. Darcy rattles off all her (and her family's) faults, and then ask her to consider something.

She surely "considers" something, all right! That Mr. Darcy got an earful!

Now, people are quick to criticize Bella in this chapter, including, particularly, Rosalie (which does not help matters any). Put yourself into Bella's shoes. The next time you are so furious you can't even see the person you are "talking" with, because all you see is red, ... well, I dare you to do what you accuse Bella of not doing: think about what you are saying.

Is your argument sound or ad hominem? Are you "thinking straight"? Or have you "lost perspective"?

That Bella Swan is just so "eat up with pride" and just so often jumps to conclusions, the wrong ones. Doesn't she!

Hm, yes, she does. But she's not reading the story. She's living it. So, you, living your stories: you have it all mapped out, now, do you?

Bella Swan has a mote in her eye.

But she's trying, sometimes, to look in the mirror.

Give her that, at least, please.

And before you cast a stone, recollect when you were seventeen. You knew everything there was to know then?

If you say you did, then you're not casting a stone at Bella. Doesn't feel like such a good idea now, because, of course, you know it is kind of like throwing the stone at the mirror, right?

Representing Rosalie and Bella

I've just read a wonderful canonical one-shot about Rosalie, called "And I Am Not" by Jocelyn Torrent. I received two surprises in that story: the first was an accurate portrayal of Rosalie, then second was an accurate portrayal of Bella. Read it.

Both characters have been so easily, so callously, misrepresented in fan fiction, so getting them just right? Well nigh impossible. Bella isn't a perfect character who does everything right except for falling down three times per chapter. And Rosalie is, well, I've harped on this before.

Okay, I'll harp some more.

My heart always gets in the way of my pen, and I'm so scared that my representation will turn sympathetic, not accurate.

Rosalie qua Rosalie has everything she needs to be what she is, and tampering with that, Charles Dickensing that, only takes away from the strengths that she has. She is vain and conceited, but she still is strong and righteous and determined and has gone through everything, in her life and in her unlife, and still holds her head high, proudly.

To say: "Aw Rosalie!" robs her of her battle scars (that she mostly inflicts on herself), robs her of herself.

But it so hard to abstain from reaching through the screen and giving her a it'll-be-okay-hug or just pure happiness.

She'd probably turn it down anyway. "A freebie? For Rosalie Lillian Hale? I don't need your charity nor your pity, thank you, geophf."

She sure is one tough cookie. As they say when and where she grew up: a right broad.

Rosalie and Bella. Each in her own way: two right broads, and when written correctly, such a pleasure to read.

Wherefore Vera

I've recent read a couple of stories about Vera, and have read (and reread, and reread) Eclipse, chapter 7 "Unhappy Ending," which is "Rosalie's" chapter, but, in a very real way, is Vera's chapter.

Because, I argue, the key to understanding everything between Rosalie and Bella in the canon, is to understand Vera.

Please allow me to explain.

First, I think we need to examine Rosalie and Emmett's relationship.

Emmett seems to fill a need, but their relationship seems to be more surface. They are "happy" with what they give to each other, but they don't probe to any depth. I would think Rosalie would need more than a strong, sexually charged, easy-going, funny man. I would think she would want somebody she could open her heart to, all the way, and really, not cry, because she can't, but scold her like Vera did, not let Rosalie get away with the stuff Emmett does (in canon), share with Rosalie her deepest sadnesses, and let Rosalie share hers with her.

I think Rosalie needs this, no? And I think she's not getting all that from Emmett. Nor from Royce (well, who she thought Royce would be), and that's why she had Vera then. A true friend, of the heart.

Now let's look at Vera, herself.

Rosalie doesn't have much good, in the canon (E, ch 7), to say about Vera. Vera married early and had a baby at 17 years of age. She married down. Far down. Sure, Rosalie and Vera are "only" middle class, struggling to climb the social ladder, but they were friends, so they were in the same social circle, and that circle?

Upper middle class. Rosalie's father worked at the bank ... during the Depression! ... Rosalie's father bought her dresses (not just an apple for dessert); Rosalie's mother introduced Rosalie around to the elite.

And Rosalie and Vera were friends. Friends of the heart. Why? What names does Rosalie mention in her life story? Emmett, Royce, ... and Vera. Not her parents' names, not her brothers' names; no: Vera's name.

Vera was Rosalie's only friend ... ever.

And Vera had ... as they said back then ... moxie.

She married a carpenter. Do you understand what this means? Her parents were in the first circles. So they told her this: "Don't marry him." And she did.

And they cut her right off. She lived at his house, on cheapside ... not at a house that her parents could provide for her.

Or they didn't cut her right off, and did offer easy living. And she told them no. "Thank you, Mother, Father, but I'm going to cleave to my man, and go where he will go, not where you tell him to go."

Either way, she chose her own path, not the path her parents "offered" to her.

And Vera was Rosalie's friend. Whom do you visit a week before your wedding? A casual acquaintance? Royce had his buddies, that he liked much more Rosalie, and Rosalie had Vera, whom she loved more than anybody in the world.

Because, as much as Rosalie belittles Vera in her story she tells in canon, Vera was the only person who put up with Rosalie, besides Emmett and Royce, but Vera went one step further, and this is implied by the canon: Vera chose her own path, and she let Rosalie choose hers, too, but she didn't let Rosalie get away with her lies.

Because Rosalie lies. All the time. She tells Royce or Emmett that everything's beautiful and pristine and happy. Worst of all, she lies to herself. She turns her nose up to everything and looks down: "I'm perfect; you're not."

She even does this to Vera. And Vera rolls her eyes and says "I'm happy for you, Rosalie, I really am. But I choose this. I choose true happiness, and this is what it is." And she shows Rosalie, not mean-spiritedly, but kindly what happiness can be.

She shows Rosalie so clearly that even Rosalie sees it, knows it for what it is, and acknowledges that Vera chose better.

I think Vera's been through enough in her life that she has the experience to share something and to know enough about Rosalie to know that there's more to her than she's letting on, and she's old enough not to allow Rosalie play her games with herself. I think maybe Rosalie needs Vera in soul-mate kind of way.

I think Rosalie needed Vera then, even though she had the perfect handsome prince in Royce, and I think Rosalie needs Vera now, even with her big teddy-bear of a perfect husband in Emmett.

Now let's look at the "relationship" of Rosalie and Bella

Woo, boy, does Rosalie want to tear Bella to pieces pretty much the first second Rosalie sees her, and why? Because Bella can have babies, but no, she's going after a vampire, for goodness sake!

Or so Rosalie says.

I would beg to differ with Rosalie's supplied argument.

We never get a physical description of Vera, but she wasn't as beautiful as Rosalie. We get a physical description of Bella, and we find out that she's not as beautiful as Rosalie.

Just like Vera.

No surprises there: Rosalie is the most beautiful person in the whole world. That's canonical.

But Bella chooses her own path, over the objections of Edward, her parents (NM, catatonia), the whole universe.

Just like Vera.

Bella forgives Rosalie her (very serious) mistakes (NM, post Vulturi) and accepted her, not holding Rosalie's faults against her.

Just like Vera.

Rosalie had a conversation with Bella. Who is the only other person in the whole world that Rosalie ever had a conversation with? Conversation, not diatribe. Emmett? No.

Vera.

Your point, geophf?

Rosalie is a hurting person. She wants to kill Bella (MS, post Phenomenon), because, I argue, Bella sees too much, even, possible will see into Rosalie's soul.

So Rosalie's hurting.

And Vera's dead.

And here's a little quiet, brown-brown girl, who forgives Rosalie, talks with her, and chooses her own path.

Rosalie wants to tear Bella to shreds, because if Rosalie dares to take that risk of opening her heart to VeraBella again, she'll just die on Rosalie ... again.

So that explains Rosalie's (very) antagonistic attitude to human Bella.

And (pre-)vampire Bella? Now that Bella has made her irrevocable choice and has stood up to everyone, just like Vera, Bella may die (and Rosalie is just so fiercely protective of VeraBella here, and of herself, possibly preparing herself for being hurt again when VeraBella dies again), but VeraBella "re"born, that is "newborn"?

Suddenly, it's a BxRose love-fest. Why?

Because now, NOW, VeraBella can be a friend of Rosalie's heart, and not go dying on her, as humans are wont to do.

Everybody says: "Rosalie wants Renesmee."

Everybody is missing the point.

Rosalie likes Renesmee. Rosalie loves Renesmee. But her babysitting and all that serves two purposes: it gives her time with the baby. And it gives VeraBella time with her husband.

Rosalie is doing this for herself. Rosalie does everything for herself. But Rosalie is being selfless, as well.

Rosalie is being selfless.

Why?

Because, I argue, when she was alive, she didn't appreciate Vera for what she was. A friend. Just that. A friend.

Rosalie has never had a friend before or since.

And Vera was there for Rosalie, in spite of and despite the fact that Rosalie is just so Rosalie.

And now here's VeraBella again. Now, finally, Rosalie can say "thank you" to her for that one thing Vera gave to Rosalie that nobody else in the world ever did. AND Rosalie can finally, finally-finally-finally, have that true friend that she can (maybe some day, centuries from now) open up a bit more than she did in Eclipse, ch 7.

You know, a relationship like Alice has with Bella. Bella's not a replacement, nor substitute, for Jasper.

A relationship like that, but, because this is Rosalie, after she gets over her vanity, it will be a relationship so much deeper than that.

Even though she doesn't know this herself, even though she's fought so fiercely against it, she'll have a relationship that she's been looking for her entire existence.

If we look at the relationship of Rosalie and Bella through the lens that Vera provides, we see that it is consistent from start to present (not "finish" because now, thankfully, it will never end). It's not baby-envy. It's not "human"-envy. It's Rosalie. Hurting Rosalie, scared; protective Rosalie, scary, and, eventually, trusting Rosalie, loving and understanding, and finally ... opening.

Just like the relationship she had with Vera, more than seventy years ago.

Endnote/Apologia

When Juliet says "Romeo, o Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" She's not saying, "Where are you Romeo?" she's saying "Why are you Romeo?" That is "Why are you my family's enemy, and not some other cute guy to make this whole liebestod thing easier for me?"