10 Things I Hate about the Twilight Movie

10. I hate that every day I go to see the movie, I must see the movie again right away. I have a life, you know: I don't have 4 hours and 4 minutes to spare for each day I see this thing, for crying out loud.
    
    And I hate that the movie is 3 hours too short — 2 hours and 2 minutes are not enough to convey the intensity and depth of Edward and Bella's (careful) courtship. I'd talk about the injustice of cutting the scenes in Twilight and Midnight Sun (draft on the author's site), but those are other hated reasons.
    
    Yes. I realize I'm holding the exact opposite positions in this reason. This is called creative use of irony — deal.


9. I hate that the movie stayed resolutely true to the spirit of the book, very true to the flow of the book, but did not have that saccharine worshipfulness that another first movie of a certain book series about paranormals involving (pre)teens and magic had.
   
   I also hate that this movie refused to stoop to the belief that movie goers are mindless cattle. It refused to explain every little detail like other blockbusters: "Look", it refused to explain in voice-over, "I'm a defenseless human girl leading what I know to be a vampire into a secluded forest patch so he can have his way with me. I'm putting myself in danger." Nope, no explanation. Or, that they kept the onion root cell division scene from the book nearly intact. It is at least a misdemeanor to mention not only the word "prophase" but also to follow it up with "metaphase" and "anaphase" is moving into felony territory. Also, I have always answered the statement "I have a question" with "1.77i" for the last twenty-five years (I always assume the asker's question is "What is the square root of negative π?"), so I have prior claim to the copyright.
   
   I hate the layering of every scene. Mega-blockbusters are supposed have only one camera angle: the close-up. But, no. Nearly every scene in this movie has important things transpiring between at least two major characters (with emotion and reaction in a subtle interplay) but then, out of focus, the minor characters are also communicating important thoughts and feelings and advancing the story and require strict attention to capture. Look, I'm only human, I can only concentrate on a few things at a time. Watching this movie is a strain to my complacency!
   
   I also hate that the minor characters are treated with respect and given time to develop — what? development of minor characters? — This is a mega-blockbuster: minor characters must be at most one-dimensional! Put it this way, if one were to role the additional material on James, Victoria and Laurent back into the book, there would be at least another 50 pages for us to read. And that's not a bad thing ...
   
   You may accuse me of listing more than one reason in this one reason, but I'm really not. It all boils down to my anger that this mega-blockbuster has the daring feel of an indie. Put contrapositively, this indie has the refined slickness of a mega-blockbuster. This movie takes the best of both sides of the tracks with an assured élan.
   
   Show-off.


8. I hate that the baseball game only showed 4 at bats. That game was so good I demand my 9 innings. No, that's not correct: I require the game be tied at 9 innings so that I could have my extra 5 innings for the tie-break, just as in the 2004 ALCS. — Yes, I went there.


7. I hate that some of the scenes in the movie were — deep breath — better than the book. Look, only Blade Runner is allowed to do that.
   
   To wit: the expanded relationship between Bella and Charlie, the expanded (long-distance) relationship between Renée and Bella, Bella's more creditable escape from Jasper and Alice into the arms of James, Esme acting as a more believable mother during the Cullen kitchen scene ("Clean this up, now."), or Bella hurting Charlie as she fled James ("Like what? Watch baseball on the flat screen and have steak and cobbler at the diner? That's you, Dad, it's not me." "Bella, I just got you back." "Yeah. If I don't leave now, I'm going to be stuck here, just like Mom." Darn it, I'm tearing up again just writing those lines!). Then there was the angst in the cafeteria: Eric's claim ("my girl, Bella"), then Mike's counterclaim ("your girl?") then Tyler's peck ("Sorry, Mike!") and Mike's ensuing chase, this scene played out rapid-fire and true to teenage kids in school, and, yes, better than the book's description of the boy's rivalry as glowering looks. The icing on the cake? Jessica: "Omygod!" Bubble-bubble, "this is, like, first grade all over again, and you're the shiny new toy!"
   
   I'm forgetting the other better scenes because it's been 12 hours since I last saw the movie. Stupid fading human memories. Now I have to take notes the next time I watch the movie.


6. I hate that they cut Emmett fighting the bear and the following discussion between Emmett and Edward about the ramifications and consequences of love. Go Team Emmett!
   
   I hate that they cut the Blood Typing chapter. There was no greater irony in Twilight/Midnight Sun that not only Bella reacted (badly) to the sight of blood, but that she was (impossibly) vampirically hyper-aware in every one of her senses to it.
   
   In fact, I hate that they cut anything. What? Didn't they have 150M USD to play with? We all know this movie had waaaaay more than 30M USD, because that amount of money is just the catering bill for mega-blockbusters flicks, like this one.


5. I hate that the movie didn't go AU ("Alternate Universe"). I so wanted to see Bella set Edward in his place two days sooner after his unpardonable behavior that first day at school in Biology and the administrative office. After all, what's the problem of gracefully ignoring the siren call of Bella's blood? Get over it, Edward, and show the girl some of that gentlemanly courtesy that you so pride yourself for.
   
   But then! I hate the lump in my throat when the confrontation did arrive the next week that all she could manage was an heartbreaking "You were gone." I blame you, Catherine Hardwicke: you cannot be human, for no human could make me believe so completely the strength of that devotion after Bella and Edward spent only one uncomfortable hour together a week before.


4. I hate that his movie was a "Chick Flick" in a real sense of the phrase: all the women were "strong, independent" women: Bella, not Jacob, was the sun around which every other, um, person circled. Gravity moves, indeed! Rosalie was sincere anger in the strength of her protectiveness of her family. Jessica was pure bubbly fun with just the right edge when it came to Mike. And Victoria, ah! Victoria, was the last to withdraw from the crouch and twice as dangerous, devious and menacing as all the other vampires on that baseball field put together.
   
   A chick flick that appeals to a Twilight Dad. That's just not fair.


3. I hate how Edward introduced himself with a confidence of a vampire over 100 years old: "Hello, I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You must be Bella." However, at the same time his voice quavered with the uncertainty of the 17-year-old body in which he is forever trapped.
   
   And I hated how Bella responded with a gasp of an infatuated teenager but with the insight of timeless wisdom (that betrayed her true age(lessness)) to Edward's prying niceties: "You're asking me about the weather?"
   
   And I hated Edward's self-knowing smirk of a response — she caught me — "Yes, I guess I am."
   
   In fact, I hated that whole exchange, how that Edward so desperately was trying to figure Bella out only to be confounded and befuddled by Bella's insights into his character. "I'm sorry for being forward: I'm just trying to figure you out. You are very difficult person to read." "Hey," Bella interjected, "did you get contacts?" "No." "It's just that last week your eyes were black, and now they're a golden-brown color." Edward swallowing, "Yeah, its the florescence ..." making a hasty and embarrassed escape.
   
   I hated that it was so good.


2. I hate how that every scene made this movie Bella's: how we couldn't hear the thoughts that Edward read, but we knew that he could from his expressions that she saw, how the camera's focus, as was her focus, was on Edward when Mike was asking her to the prom, how the conflict of her pure impatient want warred with her desire to be a good girl to ease the pain of Edward's blood lust radiated from her body in expectation of her first kiss, how disappointment lanced from her angry eyes as she commanded Edward to follow her into the forest ("Not mentioning you were a vampire? — that's a rather big secret to keep from a friend, you know.") and how her courage facing the impending change turned to the shock of disappointment then tightly controlled fury when Edward placed a gentle, cautious, and hesitant kiss on her neck at prom, and how she instantly swallowed that fury to show him that she did love him and did forgive him enough ... for now.


1. I hate that now I am compelled to watch the movie again. Today. And that I am compelled to reread the Twilight/Midnight Sun story. Again. C'mon, people, I have a life ... and I have fanfiction to write. Jeez!