Sunday, November 1, 2009

"Bite me, Edward!"

"Oh, I so want to be a vamp, and be swept away from this boring, depressing, uncertain, scary life!"

You know what you are now is what you will be forever, right?

And vampires are in eternity. Eternity is unforgiving, unrelenting, inescapable.

That's what it is to be a vampire. You just can't shut down, ... ever. People get to do that every single day, by the blessing of sleep. Vampires? No. How do they cope?

Most vamps don't last a year without going nuts. That's one of the reasons why there are only hundreds of vamps in the world, and that population is pretty stable.

But now, with millions of girls screaming "Oh, bite me, Edward" the population may be on a rise. Which, unfortunately, will bring on the Bree crisis ("Oh, why didn't they tell me that being a vamp was like this?") and a major clean-up effort on the Volturi's part.

Oh, being a human is just so hard, trudging day after day through the same old unromantic unfun things of life!

But being a vampire isn't that ... except you don't get to sleep and now you have to deal with all your problems and mistakes ... forever?

AND you've murdered the ones you love because the confusion of being a newborn drove you toward the familiar and then the bloodlust kicked in.

Yeah, being a human sucks ... just ask a vampire ... hmn, wait: what, again, do Edward and Rosalie always say? "If I could trade anything to regain my humanity, I would."

Hm. So being a human sucks, but being a vampire is worse?

And, this is your 27th time through high school, because you're trying to fit in as a vamp?

I remember high school. I'm sure most of the twifans saying "Bite me Edward" are IN high school. And they want to be a vamp so they stay in high school, automatically in the excluded group (vamps don't socialize), forever?

There are just so many dimensions of being a vamp, and so many of them require strength and speed and a strong will because so many of them are just so terribly sad and boring and mortifyingly embarrassing.

But "Bite me, Edward!"

Okay, GF, have fun being forever stuck exactly as you are right now ... without being able to sleep ... with unquenchable bloodlust ... without having any friends again, forever ... with having to move to a new different part of the country (and eventually world) every few years ... with having rival vamp gangs targeting you, my dear, as easy pickings for one to shred ... without being able to go to the mall because of no Alice and the possibility of daylight making everybody stop and stare at you, the freak.

Oh, and you abstain from human blood? How noble. You just made yourself an enemy of every vamp in existence, and you've just signed up to drink excrement forever.

Oh, you decide to target humans for food? Bloodsucking leach. You just made yourself werewolf bait.

And where are you going to get money, since you can't work a job? So you're going to live your vamp life as a homeless person now, are you? "Oh, I'm going to trade stocks forever and be rich." Hm. You know how to trade stocks successfully now, do you? You have that discipline? You know, that discipline to clean your room, to do your homework, and to relate to your family and friends ... that is, you have the discipline to live your life happily and responsibly now, because what you are now is what you will be in Eternity. You are unhappy now (that's why you want to be a vamp, right), and you become a vampire? You'll be unhappy forever.

Fun being a vamp, isn't it.

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