Sunday, November 1, 2009

On Saccharin Endings

"Oh, hi, Edward," says Rosalie, "I was gonna off Bella here, but everythings A-O-K now, so you can date her and I'm sure we can talk the Volturi into ignoring the Rule because this is Bella who is the heroine of the story, so everything always turns out fine for her no matter what. You know, the consequence-free endings of all those disney flicks starting with Little Mermaid where the heroine keeps making wrong choices but is rewarded with a happy ending because that's just the way things are to keep the population controlled and docile: 'oh, keep being irresponsible in all aspects of your life, because a handsome vampire prince named Edward will sweep you away from the mess that you've made ... someday ... so it's all good.'"

Edward: "Urk. Well, okay, Rosalie ... I was gonna shred you for speaking the truth and for looking at Bella funny, but good thing the author wrote in this deus ex machina so I could 'save the day.' Hey, Bella, c'mere so I can sweep you off your feet."

Bella: "Um, I've talked to you all of two times and I'm supposed to fall head over heels for you for what reason again?"

Rosalie and Edward: "Shaddap! You're introducing realism into the fairy tale plot. You're the damsel in distress (not at all like the Shannon Hale damsels), so you're supposed to accept the feet sweeping with gratitude!"

Bella: "So, how do you guys speak in unison perfectly like that?"

Rosalie: "I'm not a guy."

I love happy endings. Ya know ... credible happy endings. And they are so easy to write: all you have to do is to make the characters own up to the choices they've made ... ya know: responsibility and all that?

I don't watch many movies these days at all.

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